Posted on Monday, March 8, 2010
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Posted on Sunday, December 13, 2009
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Posted on Friday, November 27, 2009
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My Life is Average is a website that lets people share average anecdotes from their daily life. Over time, this website has become a pop culture fad.
Today, while watching a commerical for a home pregnacy test, the seductive voice at the end cooned, "The pregnany test made especially for women." I'm a little confused. MLIA.
More at : http://mylifeisaverage.com
Mom (judging the outfit I was trying on): Looks like you got my ass and your dad’s chest.
As you all know a fabulous Thanksgiving Dinner does not make itself. I need to ask each of you to help by bringing something to complete the meal. I truly appreciate your offers to assist with the meal preparation.
Now, while I do have quite a sense of humor and joke around all the time, I COULD NOT BE MORE SERIOUS when I am providing you with your Thanksgiving instructions and orders. I am very particular, so please perform your task EXACTLY as I have requested and read your portion very carefully. If I ask you to bring your offering in a container that has a lid, bring your offering in a container WITH A LID, NOT ALUMINUM FOIL! If I ask you to bring a serving spoon for your dish, BRING A SERVING SPOON, NOT A SOUP SPOON! And please do not forget anything.
All food that is to be cooked should already be prepared, bring it hot and ready to serve, warm or room temp. These are your ONLY THREE options. Anything meant to be served cold should, of course, already be cold.
The Mike Byron Family
1. Turnips in a casserole with a lid and a serving spoon. Please do not fill the casserole all the way up to the top, it gets too messy. I know this may come as a bit of a surprise to you, but most of us hate turnips so don’t feel like you a have to feed an army.
2. Two half gallons of ice cream, one must be VANILLA, I don’t care what the other one is. No store brands please. I did see an ad this morning for Hagan Daz Peppermint Bark Ice Cream, yum!! (no pressure here, though).
3. Toppings for the ice cream.
4. A case of bottled water, NOT gallons, any brand is ok.
The Bob Byron Family
1. Green beans or asparagus (not both) in a casserole with a lid and a serving spoon. If you are making the green beans, please prepare FOUR pounds, if you are making asparagus please prepare FIVE pounds. It is up to you how you wish to prepare them, no soupy sauces, no cheese (you know how Mike is), a light sprinkling of toasted nuts, or pancetta, or some EVOO would be a nice way to jazz them up.
2. A case of beer of your choice (I have Coors Light and Corona) or a bottle of clos du bois chardonnay (you will have to let me know which you will bring prior to 11/22).
The Lisa Byron Chesterford Family
1. Lisa as a married woman you are now required to contribute at the adult level. You can bring an hors d’ouvres. A few helpful hints/suggestions. Keep it very light, and non-filling, NO COCKTAIL SAUCE, no beans of any kind. I think your best bet would be a platter of fresh veggies and dip. Not a huge platter mind you (i.e., not the plastic platter from the supermarket).
The Michelle Bobble Family
1. Stuffing in a casserole with a serving spoon. Please make the stuffing sans meat.
2. 2.5-3 qts. of mashed squash in a casserole with a lid and serving spoon
3. Proscuitto pin wheel – please stick to the recipe, no need to bring a plate.
4. A pie knife
The June Davis Family
1. 15 LBS of mashed potatoes in a casserole with a serving spoon. Please do not use the over-size blue serving dish you used last year. Because you are making such a large batch you can do one of two things: put half the mash in a regulation size casserole with lid and put the other half in a plastic container and we can just replenish with that or use two regulation size casserole dishes with lids. Only one serving spoon is needed.
2. A bottle of clos du bois chardonnay
The Amy Misto Family (why do I even bother she will never read this)
1. A pumpkin pie in a pie dish (please use my silver palate recipe) no knife needed.
2. An apple pie in a pie dish, you can use your own recipe, no knife needed.
Looking forward to the 28th!!
Posted on Monday, November 23, 2009
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One day Murphy was outside and was mowing his grass when a big moving truck pulled in the driveway next to his. Knowing that no one lives there he figures that he is getting new nieghbor's. He finishes up his grass and the neighbor's are unloading the truck he walks up to the fence and says hello, I'm Murphy and I live next door. Well the guy sets down the box that he is carrying and says "good to meet you Murphy I, am Tim".
Well the two of them got to talking and Murphy asked Tim what he did for a living. Tim thought for a moment and proclaimed proudly that "I deal with logic." Murphy, looking dumbfounded, said "what?" Tim offered Murphy an example.
Murphy said "allright." Tim said, "Do you have a dog? Murphy replied "yea, I have a dog". Tim then stated "Well then it is logical to assume that you have children." Murphy said that is right, I have 2. Tim then stated "if you have 2 kids then it is logical to assume that you have a wife." Murphy said "Yea, 10 years now!" Tim said "well then its logical to assume that you are a "heterosexual." Tim, astonished, said "Wow, that's right!"
Well later that day Murphy came across his other neighbor Jim and Jim said "Hey, I see you have a new neighbor." Murphy stated "Yea, he's very interesting too." Jim says "what do you mean?" "Well, Murphy stated he has the most interesting job." Jim said "What is it?" "Murphy says he deals with logic." Jim said "Logic.. what?" "That's what I said" stated Murphy. "Well let me give you an example."
Murphy said "Jim, do you have a dog?" Jim said "Now you know I dont have no dog." So Murphy pondered this for a minute and said "You're gay!"
We has problem. Iz Nawt Pie Yet! - Lolcats 'n' Funny Pictures of Cats – I Can Has Cheezburger?® - Laugh at THIS!
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Posted on Thursday, November 19, 2009
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Explaining this hate is like trying to explain the holocaust to an infant. But fear not for I, your humble narrator and muthafuckin wordsmith, have found a way to relate the material in terms everyone can grasp.
First, you must understand the pure awesomeness and privilege that is the schedule-ly uninhibited shit. It transcends space and time. It is as if the toilet and I are sharing the same heart, united in a beautiful, yet sinful act of pleasure and love. A truly unimpeded shit is like having sex for the first time with the love of your life; like I am the virgin Mary giving birth to baby-god Jesus.
Under time constraints however, everything changes. Whether I have a client meeting, a girl coming over, a bus, train or plane to catch or a non-DVRed episode of "The Price Is Right" is coming on, pooping under time constraints ruins my most sacred of acts. I am forced into a commitment I'm not ready to make. Not now, not with this toilette. I feel like I just need a little more time. This toilet seems a little dirty and I just don't know it well enough yet to enter into such an intimate engagement. Yet, against my will, I am physically entered into an uncomfortable situation in which I do not have control of my most private parts. Pooping under time constraints is essentially being raped. It's a painful, heartbreaking experience robbing me of my innocence.
These dreadfully uncomfortable shits corrupt the act of shitting for many people. It's estimated that hundreds of thousands of time constricting poops happen every day. Unfortunately, most of them go unreported. The only thing we can really do is move on with our lives and pray that Bill Nye invents a cure.