My Life is Average - #877471
I grew up in a college town, and one Halloween our doorbell rang and we opened the door expecting to see trickortreater—but what was in front of our open door—was another door! Like, a full-on wooden door, that had a sign that said “Please knock.” So we did, and the door swung open to reveal a bunch of college dudes dressed as really old grandmothers, curlers in their hair, etc, who proceeded to coo over our “costumes” and tell us we were “such cute trick or treaters!” One even pinched my cheek. Then THEY gave US candy, closed their door, picked it up and walked to the next house. MLIA
Source: http://mylifeisaverage.com/story.php?id=877471
Star Wars: Retold (by someone that's never seen it)
My friend Amanda had never seen a whole Star Wars film. When I asked her if she would watch the original trilogy she said that she would, but that she already knew what happens. So I took out my voice recorder and asked her to start from the top. I then created some very basic animation in Final Cut to go along with her narration. More stuff online at: www.fishrockit.com
State Mottos Alabama to Wyoming
Alabama: Yes, We Have Electricity
Alabama: Like the Third World, but Closer! (thanks to Jim Villani)
Alabama: Keeping it in the Family Since 1819 (thanks to Robert Pfaff)
Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!
Alaska: Jeez, it's Cold.
Alaska: Yeah, But It's a Dry Cold. (thanks to Andy Hynds)
Arizona: But It's a Dry Heat
Arizona: Soon To Be the Pacific Coast State (thanks to Michelle Steiner)
Arkansas: Literacy Ain't Everything
Arkansas: Attention K-Mart Shoppers! (thanks to Mike Tamburri)
California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda
Colorado: Now 100% John Denver Free! (thanks to John Mozena)
Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother
Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedys Don't Own It Yet
Connecticut: The Middle C is silent, Ca**hole. (thanks to Mike Dougherty)
Delaware: Everything is Smaller Here!
Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water
Florida: Leave us alone, we're busy enjoying the 82 degree winter. (thanks to Gregory Seel)
Florida: Get Off of My State, You Kids! (thanks to Joe Lex)
Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids
Florida: So Close, You Can Smell Fidel (thanks to Jim Villani)
Florida: More Than Just a Great Place to Die (thanks to Joe Lex)
Florida: America's Wang
Georgia: We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist Extremism
Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)
Hawaii: Come surfing because we love your hilarious You Tube vids. (thanks to Gregory Seel)
Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes. Well Okay, Not Really, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good
Idaho: You Can Be Da Ho Next (thanks to Ken Hirlinger)
Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S"
Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
Indiana: Dan Quayle's Favorite Country! (thanks to Nabeel Ibrahim)
Iowa: We Do Amazing Things with Corn
Kansas: First of the Rectangle States
Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
Louisiana: We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, but That's Our Tourism Campaign
Maine: We're Really Cold, but We Have Cheap Lobster
Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It
Massachusetts: Our Taxes are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)
Massachusetts: Now with 30% Fewer Kennedys! (thanks to Brian DiMattia)
Michigan: First Line of Defense From the Canadians
Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes
Mississippi: Come and Feel Better About Your Own State
Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars at Work
Missouri: Loves Company! (thanks to Ilene Morgan)
Missouri: The "Show Me State". You show me yours and I'll show you my rifle.(thanks to Darlene Forsman)
Montana: Land Of the Big Sky, the Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, and Very Little Else
Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest
Nebraska: The "N" is for Knowledge (thanks to Chris Pultz)
Nebraska: Bring Something to Do! (thanks to Luke Jones)
Nebraska: Land of Two Seasons - Winter and Construction
Nevada: Whores and Poker!
New Hampshire: Go Away and Leave Us Alone
New Hampshire: Just Like Old Hampshire, but Newer
New Jersey: What Smell? (thanks to James Rouse)
New Jersey: You Want a ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!
New Mexico: Cleaner than Regular Mexico and Less Bodies in the Sandbox(thanks to Darlene Forsman)
New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets
New York: You Have the Right To Remain Silent, You Have the Right To an Attorney
North Carolina: Tobacco is a Vegetable
North Dakota: We Really Are One of the 50 States!
Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan
Ohio: Where One of Your Dad's Friends Lives
Ohio: It's Not Just "Hello" in Japanese (thanks to Lara Allan)
Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing
Oregon: Spotted Owl - It's What's For Dinner
Oregon: It's OR-EE-GUN, you idiot! (thanks to Darlene Forsman)
Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal
Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island
Rhode Island: Small, Yes, But We Know What to Do with It! (thanks to Joe Lex)
South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender
South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota
Tennessee: The Educashun State
Texas: Si' Hablo Ing'les (Yes, I Speak English)
Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
Vermont: Yep
Vermont: Gettin' Busy with New Hampshire since 1791
Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds and Slackers!
Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?
West Virginia: One Big Happy Family - Really!
Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese
Wisconsin: Come Smell our Dairy Air
Wyoming: Where Men are Men (And The Sheep are Scared)
Source: http://funny2.com/states.htm
Capitalism and Cows
TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM -- You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION -- You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.
FRENCH CORPORATION -- You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION -- You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon(tm) and market them world-wide.
A GERMAN CORPORATION -- You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
A BRITISH CORPORATION -- You have two cows. Both are mad.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION -- You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION -- You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
A SWISS CORPORATION -- You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.
A HINDU CORPORATION -- You have two cows. You worship them.
A CHINESE CORPORATION -- You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.
AN ARKANSAS CORPORATION -- You have two cows. That one on the left is kinda cute.
ENRON CORPORATION -- You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull.
ARTHUR ANDERSON, LLC -- You have 2 cows. You shred all documents that Enron has any cows, take 2 cows from Enron for payment for consulting the cows, and attest that Enron has 9 cows.
Source: http://www.manbottle.com/humor/Capitalism_and_Cows.htm
25 Hilarious Defaced Bills - Funny Web Links
Posted on Saturday, October 10, 2009
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Source: http://www.webofentertainment.com/2009/10/25-hilarious-defaced-bills.html
funny superhero comic book covers
Posted on Wednesday, October 7, 2009
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Source: www.fresh99.com/funny-superhero-comic-book-covers.htm
Stuff White People Like - #128 - Camping
Posted on Thursday, October 1, 2009
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Stuff White People Like - #128 - Camping
August 14, 2009 by clander
If you find yourself trapped in the middle of the woods without electricity, running water, or a car you would likely describe that situation as a “nightmare” or “a worse case scenario like after plane crash or something.” White people refer to it as “camping.”When white people begin talking to you about camping they will do their best to tell you that it’s very easy and it allows them to escape the pressures and troubles of the urban lifestyle for a more natural, simplified, relaxing time. Nothing could be further from the truth.
In theory camping should be a very inexpensive activity since you are literally sleeping on the ground. But as with everything in white culture, the more simple it appears the more expensive it actually is.
Camping is a multi-day, multi-step, potentially lethal activity that will cost you a large amount of both time and money. Unless you are in some sort of position where you absolutely need the friendship of a white person, you should avoid camping at all costs.
The first stage of camping always involves a trip to an outdoor equipment store like REI (or in Canada, Mountain Equipment Co-Op). These stores are well known for their abundance of white customers and their extensive inventory of things for white people to buy and only use once. If you are ever tricked into going to one of these stores, you can make white people like you by saying things like “man, this Kayak is only $1200, if I use it 35 times I’ve already saved money over renting.” Note: do not actually buy the kayak.
Next, white people will then take this new equipment and load it into an SUV or Subaru Outback with a Thule or Yakima Roof Rack. Then they will drive for an extended period of time to a national park or campsite where they will pay an entrance fee and begin their journey. It is worth noting that white people are unaware of the irony of using a gas burning car to bring them closer to nature and it is not recommended that you point this out. It will ruin their weekend.
Once in the camp area, white people will walk around for a while, set up a tent, have a horrible night of sleep, walk around some more. Then get in the car and go home. This, of course, is a best case scenario. Worst case scenarios include: getting lost, poisoned, killed by an animal, and encountering an RV. Of these outcomes, the latter is seen by white people as the worst since it involves an encounter with the wrong kind of white people.
Conversely, any camping trip that ends in death at the hands of nature or requires the use of valuable government resources for a rescue is seen as relatively positive in white culture. This is because both situations might eventually lead to a book deal or documentary film about the experience.
Ultimately the best way to escape a camping trip with white people is to say that you have allergies. Since white people and their children are allergic to almost everything, they will understand and ask no further questions. You should not say something like “looking at history, the instances of my people encountering white people in the woods have not worked out very well for us.”
Note: this works for all races!
Letter From M.I.T. - College Admissions Humor
A Letter From M.I.T.
MIT certainly has a reputation to be proud of, but its admissions department went a little over-board, I think. The first letter is an honest-to-goodness mailing from MIT, the second is one prospective student's reply:
April 18, 1994
Mr. John T. Mongan
123 Main Street
Smalltown, California 94123-4567
Dear John:
You've got the grades. You've certainly got the PSAT scores. And now you've got a letter from MIT. Maybe you're surprised. Most students would be. But you're not most students. And that's exactly why I urge you to consider carefully one of the most selective universities in America.
The level of potential reflected in your performance is a powerful indicator that you might well be an excellent candidate for MIT. It certainly got my attention!
Engineering's not for you? No problem. It may surprise you to learn we offer more than 40 major fields of study, from architecture to brain and cognitive sciences, from economics (perhaps the best program in the country) to writing.
What? Of course, you don't want to be bored. Who does? Life here *is* tough *and* demanding, but it's also *fun*. MIT students are imaginative and creative - inside and outside the classroom.
You're interested in athletics? Great! MIT has more varsity teams - 39 - than almost any other university, and a tremendous intramural program so everybody can participate.
You think we're too expensive? Don't be too sure. We've got surprises for you there, too.
Why not send the enclosed Information Request to find out more about this unique institution? Why not do it right now?
Sincerely,
Michael C. Benhke
Director of Admissions
P.S. If you'd like a copy of a fun-filled, fact-filled brochure, "Insight," just check the appropriate box on the form.
May 5, 1994
Michael C. Behnke
MIT Director of Admissions
Office of Admissions, Room 3-108
Cambridge MA 02139-4307
Dear Michael:
You've got the reputation. You've certainly got the pomposity. And now you've got a letter from John Mongan. Maybe you're surprised. Most universities would be. But you're not most universities. And that's exactly why I urge you to carefully consider one of the most selective students in America, so selective that he will choose only *one* of the thousands of accredited universities in the country.
The level of pomposity and lack of tact reflected in your letter is a powerful indicator that your august institution might well be a possibility for John Mongan's future education. It certainly got my attention!
Don't want Bio-Chem students? No problem. It may surprise you to learn that my interests cover over 400 fields of study, from semantics to limnology, from object-oriented programming (perhaps one of the youngest professionals in the country) to classical piano.
What? Of course you don't want egotistical jerks. Who does? I *am* self-indulgent *and* over confident, but I'm also amusing. John Mongan is funny and amusing - whether you're laughing with him or at him.
You're interested in athletes? Great! John Mongan has played more sports - 47 - than almost any other student, including oddball favorites such as Orienteering.
You think I can pay for your school? Don't be too sure. I've got surprises for you there, too.
Why not send a guaranteed admission and full scholarship to increase your chance of being selected by John Mongan? Why not do it right now?
Sincerely,
John Mongan
P.S. If you'd like a copy of a fun-filled, fact-filled brochure, "John Mongan: What a Guy!" just ask.
