HATE #9: POOPING UNDER TIME CONSTRAINTS - The Ultimate Hate List - Laugh at THIS!

Posted on Thursday, November 19, 2009


Explaining this hate is like trying to explain the holocaust to an infant. But fear not for I, your humble narrator and muthafuckin wordsmith, have found a way to relate the material in terms everyone can grasp.

First, you must understand the pure awesomeness and privilege that is the schedule-ly uninhibited shit. It transcends space and time. It is as if the toilet and I are sharing the same heart, united in a beautiful, yet sinful act of pleasure and love. A truly unimpeded shit is like having sex for the first time with the love of your life; like I am the virgin Mary giving birth to baby-god Jesus.

Under time constraints however, everything changes. Whether I have a client meeting, a girl coming over, a bus, train or plane to catch or a non-DVRed episode of "The Price Is Right" is coming on, pooping under time constraints ruins my most sacred of acts. I am forced into a commitment I'm not ready to make. Not now, not with this toilette. I feel like I just need a little more time. This toilet seems a little dirty and I just don't know it well enough yet to enter into such an intimate engagement. Yet, against my will, I am physically entered into an uncomfortable situation in which I do not have control of my most private parts. Pooping under time constraints is essentially being raped. It's a painful, heartbreaking experience robbing me of my innocence.

These dreadfully uncomfortable shits corrupt the act of shitting for many people. It's estimated that hundreds of thousands of time constricting poops happen every day. Unfortunately, most of them go unreported. The only thing we can really do is move on with our lives and pray that Bill Nye invents a cure. 

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